(rock music playing )
Liberate me, liberate me
Liberate me, liberate me...
Around the sun
On the run
Nothing can stop me...
- ( loud kissing ) - Man: You've got your whole life
- ahead of you. - Woman: Yeah.
- People you are still gonna meet. - Woman: I know.
Whole college experience still in front of you.
- Woman: Mmm, you're right. - Mmm.
Woman: You promise you're gonna write and call me?
Hogan! Man, what the hell are you doing?
- They're already on the Ds. - ( Hogan groans )
- Mm-hmm. Shit. - Mmm.
Hello, Professor Goodbey.
- ( moans ) - Come on.
We gotta go.
Gladys, I'm never gonna forget you.
- You're so hot. - No no no.
All right. Sorry.
- I love you. - I love you, Gladys.
Man over P.A.: Rebecca Gephardt.
Indigo Goldstein.
Thank you very much, sir.
Liberate me...
Dag Griffiths.
Well done.
- Hi! - Hey.
- Oh, lip gloss. - Man: Chris Grizma, magna cum laude.
( whispering ) Hey, where were you?
We were supposed to take pictures before the ceremony!
- Moffy Gurner. - I know. Uh... um...
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry. - It's okay.
- Cindy Guilley. - Here.
Open it and put it on.
Oh my God. That is so sweet, Spence.
- Man: Rebecca Hartowicz. - Oh.
- Oh... - Man: Hello, Rebecca.
Let me see it. ( gasps )
- Oh... - That's nice.
Fuck off, Hogan!
- Marshall Hogan lll. - That is my name. I must go.
Shit, I think I caught my dress. Did I rip something?
- ( flatulence ) - Oh.
You're such an ingrate, Hogan!
Spencey, please meet me in the quad
after the ceremony for pictures with my family, okay?
This is the photo that will define us for the rest of our lives--
where we met and fell in love.
- ( chuckles ) - ( giggles )
Spencer Holmes, with honors.
Okay, I'll see you there. I love you.
Mmm...
( moans )
Congratulations.
Ladies and gentlemen, meet our business class graduates.
( sighs ) It's just not the same as standing in the quad
- in our cap and gown. - Oh, I'm sorry,
- but I had to take Hogan home. - Mmm.
You know he has a problem dumping in public bathrooms.
- Nice image, thanks. - Okay, look.
We have a photo in front of my childhood tree house
I built when I was nine. Isn't that good enough?
- It's just not the same. - ( sighs )
- Let's go get a drink. - Okay.
- ( sighs ) - ( sighs )
Hey, can I get a beer
and a shot of tequila and a--
a thumb in the ass for my girlfriend?
Look, all our problems revolve
around your geriatric-loving loser creep of a friend.
And as soon as you outgrow him, the sooner you'll be
- to reaching your potential. - Just enough with Hogan, please.
No. No, Spencey. If you spend the rest of your life
associating yourself with that vermin,
you will become that vermin.
Spencey-- hey, I love you,
I just want what's best for you.
- I love you too. You know-- - Mmm...
( woman laughing )
Oh my God. I'll be right back.
Just so you know, he will not be in our wedding.
( laughing )
What is that young man doing out there with Edith?
I never saw anybody dance like that.
Hey, are you sure they're dancing?
If they're not, he owes me some fucking money!
- Hogan, what the hell are you doing? - Spence!
- I'd like you to meet Edith Birnbaum. - Spence!
Hello. Marshall here says I'm the hottest chick at the party.
- What do you think? - Yeah.
- Whoo! - Hogan, I'm sorry.
- I gotta borrow him for one minute. - Ooh.
- One second, we'll be right back. - What?
Do you really think it's wise to get all grindy
with our future boss's wife?
Dude, she is so fucking fine and you know it!
Look at that little tush. Look at her tushy.
- I don't understand you. - Hey, how's the graduation boy doing?
Hey, all right.
Hey, thanks-- thanks for the party, Dad.
Yeah, my pleasure, son. My pleasure.
Yeah, Dad, thank you. You really outdid yourself.
Just remember to mention Stan Birnbaum in your speech today.
The guy never leaves his frigging hospital.
He came out for your graduation because he believes in you, son.
We'll get you at Yale Law in no time.
Stan, it's my boy right here! Here he is!
Stan. Nobody is more connected to Yale Law than Stan Birnbaum.
Thank you for putting in a good word for me, by the way.
Mrs. Holmes is responsible for that, Marshall.
Maybe you should talk to her.
- Don't forget, Spence. - ( stomach grumbles )
( burps )
Guess I lost that bet we had two years ago.
- What-- what bet? - I bet you wouldn't graduate.
Oh, yeah? Oh.
- Okay. - Now I have to show you my tits.
- Really? That's so great! - Mm-hmm.
- Excuse me. - Do you wanna touch them?
Yes. Oh!
Hi, sweet-- oh, hello. Who's this pretty thing?
Casey Dixon.
Oh, aren't you just the most charming girl?
It's nice to see you two getting along so well.
Spencey, cake in 10 minutes.
Thanks, Mom. Ahem, excuse me.
- Where's Hogan? - Uh...
I don't know.
- ( feedback ) - Thank you all for being here today.
First, I'd like to take this opportunity
to thank my parents for all the love and support they've given me.
- I couldn't be more blessed. - ( applauding )
I would also like to thank my girlfriend Amanda
- for all the lov-- - Oh. Whoo-hoo!
- ( laughs ) - I'll begin work next week
at Birnbaum, Arthur, Hollace, Craft & Steel.
Uh, that's Birnbaum, Hollace,
- Arthur, Craft & Steel. - ( laughing )
I'm sorry. I should probably learn that.
In any case, I am very grateful to you, Mr. Birnbaum,
and I look forward to working for you and learning a great deal.
- ( Edith moaning ) - What can I say?
- I'm a very lucky man. - ( wood groans )
- ( screams ) - ( all gasp )
- Amanda: Eww. - ( murmuring )
- Woman: Oh my God. - Man: Busted.
Uh...
- Sorry. - ( clamoring )
( pants )
- Well... - You okay?
...I don't think I ever actually begged a man before today.
Well, what did Mr. Birnbaum say?
( choked ) I'm sorry, Spence, but, uh...
he will no longer require your services at his firm.
( sighs )
What about me? Would he require my services?
( yelling )
Dad! Dad.
- ( Mrs. Holmes sighs ) - ( grunts )
You know what, Dad? It's okay, I got accepted into Baker.
- Maybe I should-- - Mr. Holmes: Nonsense!
No one's heard of Baker!
We are gonna solve this one.
- Mm-hmm. - There's a man at the club.
- Oh. - Barry Stack is his name.
- He's an 18-holer, fine man. - Uh-huh. Oh... Oh!
A Yalie and he's head of the biggest divorce firm in LA.
- See? - Not as connected as Birnbaum,
but that's okay. I'll make a call on your behalf.
- Spence: Thanks, Dad. - Yeah.
What about Marshall?
Well, he's practically family, Fred.
And I'm sure he's very sorry for what happened, aren't you, dear?
Yes, I am. I really-- I truly am, ma'am-- Mom.
Come on, Dad. Give him another chance.
- Fine. - Spence: Yes.
- Oh. - Fine fine fine. If he screws this up,
- he's our punter this month. - No problem.
And for you, son, I would be disappointed beyond repair.
- ( stomach rumbling ) - ( burping )
- Spence: Dad. - Oh!
Excuse me.
- Yes, sir. - Oh...
( woman giggles )
( sighs ) I'll try Mr. Stack again, all right?
Oh, nice.
Oh... nice.
Beautiful.
Good. Good good good.
Woman over intercom: Mr. Stack, your interview is here.
I'm coming.
- He'll be right out. - Thank you.
Thanks.
You look so... refreshing today.
And the flower is a very sweet touch.
You look lovely.
Stop.
( grunts )
Oh!
You're so fucking good-looking.
( grunts ) Ahh.
( snorting )
- What was that? - I don't know.
- ( club thunks ) - ( metal clangs )
- ( woman screams ) - ( panting )
Why the hell are you two just sitting there?
Us?
- Did you pass the bar yet? - Haven't been to law school yet, sir.
"Oh, we haven't been to law school yet, sir."
So you're just a couple of shit turds.
- Excuse me? - Yes, sir, we are.
- Do you shit turds wanna work here? - Both: Yes, sir.
Well, then, why am l...
Iooking for my ball and you're just sitting in there?!
And you!
Those plants-- they need dusting.
- Plants? - Uh, dusting?
Good. Good good good.
You're hired, you're hired, you're all fucking hired!
- ( Archibald laughing ) - Woman: He forgets sometimes
he hired me over 15 years ago.
Oh.
- Is that Mr. Stack? - Oh, no. That was Mr. Archibald.
But don't worry, he has hiring and firing privileges too.
I'll show you where we keep the plant maintenance kit.
Don't they have plant maintenance people for stuff like that?
Oops. They only come once a week.
Mr. Archibald likes it done twice.
It's okay. Once you make partner
you won't have to do it anymore.
Woman over radio: Good morning, Angelenos.
- ( clock beeping ) - It's gonna be a hot,
muggy one out there today, busting up to the century mark.
And on to the news. The stock market is up 12 points
and, in sports, the LA Cougars won the WABA Championship
- by 16 points. - ( meows )
And in entertainment news, it says here a '60s sex symbol...
- ( beeping continues ) - Spence, would you get that?
...on Pacific Coast Highway. That's right, that's what it says.
( grunts )
You bar-flunking freak!
Where in the hell did you get these numbers?
I don't know.
( whispers ) It's that Karl guy.
( whispering ) You know what I heard?
The poor bastard fucks the file cabinets to blow off steam.
You butt-licker!
What part of your maggot-rotten brain shit out these numbers?
- Well, obviously, I made a mistake. - Well, obviously.
And now Sarah Tucker's alimony is on the line!
Better fix it-- best piece of ass I've ever had.
- ( licks ) - Did you hear that?
The best piece of ass he's ever had.
Who brought you in here, anyway?
Well, my Uncle William is a good friend of Mr. Conrad.
Well, that's not gonna save you when you flunk the bar next month,
because next month you're gonna be good and fired.
- I hope not. - Good and fired!
Karl, do you need to use the bathroom or did you already shit in your pants?
I might have dripped a little, but, umm--
It wasn't a real question, you taint-licking hemorrhoid.
- ( crying ) - These guys are fuckers.
I gotta go get the file boxes.
Loosen up, would you?
( whimpering loudly )
( ballad playing )
Hi.
( gasps )
- Are you gay? - What?
No.
No...
Whoa, big fella. Down.
It's not polite to point in the office.
Gonna plant that mushroom?
A little young for me, but-- oh, for you...
( chuckles )
I have-- I have to get the file boxes.
- Okay. - Okay. Take care of some business
- while you're in there. - Okay.
I'm gonna push out a little turtle head.
- I'll meet you back in there. - All right.
Hey hey hey! You two-- shit-turd guys--
get in here and get the jelly out of my toes.
- Uh... - Mmm, mmm.
I want you to really get in there-- under the nail.
And give us a nice trim while you're down there.
( phone beeps )
Stack: What's going on with Doreen Wyes?
- I gave you that lead a week ago. - I'm on it, I'm sending an employee
over to Formosa Wednesday at 6:00,
'cause that's where her husband meets his girlfriend.
Stack: Took you a fucking week to figure that out?!
There was some confusion about which restaurant.
Whatever. Send someone fucking good this time.
( phone beeps )
- Ouch! - Sorry. Sorry.
I-- I didn't know this was part of your body.
( retches )
Oh, that's good, that's good. That's good, that's good.
Oh... ( chuckles )
Uh, anything else, sir?
Yeah yeah, there is.
I got to this little piece of dried-up shit turd
that needs to be pulled out of my ass.
Come on. ( laughing )
I'm kidding you!
- Get out. - ( retches )
Dude, these lawyers...
( chuckles ) are a bunch of sweaty jackals,
feeding off of the weak and sick
and injured little gazelles and shit.
I mean, do you really want one of these... scavengers
- referring you to Yale? - Right now,
it's the best contact I have,
but there's no reason you should stay here.
Where the hell am I gonna go?
Go wherever you want.
Spence, now you know I can't stand
anyone that isn't a hot older woman or you.
- ( chuckles ) - So wherever you go, I follow.
This may sound a little weak, lame,
- even a little gay to some people... - Yeah.
...but fuck it. I know what I like.
- Hogan. - All right.
Let's get you in Yale.
Archibald: Karl!
Out of my office, butt-licker!
Hey, shit turd!
Grab your shit-turd friend and get in here.
( laughing )
Hogan!
Hey!
Silver BMW 535-- it's in the parking lot
in the golf club in Bel Air. Here's the license plate.
Find it and slash the tires.
Go. Now.
Isn't that illegal?
( laughs )
Okay. No, I know that it's illegal,
but why would you want us to do something illegal?
Hogan: My guess would be
that the driver has an afternoon court appearance
that if he were to miss
would cause him to severely fall out of favor with the judge,
considering that it's probably over custody
or some sticky issue like that. The judge will look more favorably
on the party that is actually in the courtroom standing in front of him.
Very good, shit-turd's friend.
Now, when you're done with that, you deliver these papers to my wife.
She's at some bake sale with her girlfriends.
The address is on the envelope. Tell her she can have her divorce
as long as she understands that she's now...
totally fucked. Tell her that--
- verbatim. - Yes, sir.
You're still here. Why?
Dude, these guys make so much fucking bank here.
- Wow. - I'm quitting my job.
Man: Hey, assholes.
I've been rotting here for five minutes.
I don't wanna put you out or anything, but do you mind fetching my car?!
( Slavic accent ) "Studman." Studman!
Of course, we help you.
- I run for studs. - ( whispers ) What do we do?
( whispers ) I don't know. A couple of things feel good to me.
Okay, I go fast for you now.
A couple jerk-off valet parkers.
So listen, I changed at the country club
and I'll be in court within the hour.
What the fuck are you looking at?
Que?
Just some valet puke giving me the stinkeye.
Guy's a moron.
So listen, wrap up the Chicago deal, let's get to Vegas.
Yeah, I've got the four tee times and strippers lined up.
No, I'm not bringing my wife. What are you talking about?
She starting to take me to the cleaners in this divorce.
No, I'm thinking of taking that cute little court reporter
from the Stony case. She was pretty good orally,
- but I tell you... - ( car tires screeching )
...she had a snatch the size of the Lincoln Tunnel.
It's like fucking a warm bucket of water.
No, but I'll give you five...
Wha-- what the fuck?
( normal voice ) It's a little sticky
coming out of second, but other than that--
I'm gonna kick your face in!
Hogan, holy shit, man! Come on, let's go!
- Come on, go go go go go! - Ah!
You son of a bitch!
That was crazy, Hogan.
I think maybe you took that one a little too far, huh?
( Slavic accent ) What? You have job, you do it right.
- Okay. - Huh?
This is it.
Whoa.
Gotta work on your accent, by the way.
- Really? - It was terrible.
I told you to prepare, you're not-- you're not getting prepared.
- Weird, I thought I was pretty good. - You almost blew it.
Hmm.
- Come in. - ( women chatting )
Woman: I'm sure you will enjoy these.
They come in all different kinds.
They're like Easter eggs.
And it will go with anything you're wearing...
or not wearing.
This one, my little darlings, is called "The Fire Alarm."
And trust me, where your orgasms are concerned--
all of you-- this one is the four-alarm fire
that you have been begging for.
( laughs ) Look at it. Isn't it cute?
Feliney metropolitanis.
What?
Cougars. Everywhere.
Oh my God, look at the variety.
Oh my, that's a Rolls-Royce, very hard to nab.
...spankings!
There's some Cadillacs, a little bit easier.
Oh my God, a Trans Am.
Not exactly my flavor, but definitely has appeal.
Oh my God. My personal favorite,
a Silver Fox. Oh, so many possibilities in one sitting.
Down.
Thank you very much.
We'll have some refreshments.
Woman: This is a private party,
but what can I do for you two hunky hunks?
We are Spence Holmes and Marshall Hogan lll,
and we're looking for a Daniela Stack.
Woman: And what is this regarding?
Well, we work for her husband and...
he wanted us to...
give her this.
Oh. Oh, then you work for my husband too.
I'm Teddy Archibald.
- No way. - No way.
So...
what exactly goes on at this sort of party?
Well, we're just looking to spice up our libidos a little bit.
Aha. Yeah, I see. I see.
Edith: Marshall! What a pleasant surprise!
Oh, hey.
Oh.
Ladies, meet Marshall Hogan lll.
Our spectacular afternoon together
became my inspiration
for finding Lulu here
and her "Art of Pleasure" schooling.
Praise the clitoris, Edith.
Yes!
I came alive under Mr. Hogan's tutelage,
and my life's mission
is to help you experience
an awakening such as mine.
Aside from handling me so expertly,
he suggested I switch to the Vivelle Dot
hormone replacement therapy.
And I must say
it's worked wonders.
Wonders!
Whoo!
Marshall.
Perhaps you and your friend
can help us out?
Oh, anything.
Well, maybe...
you could gather a group of your friends
who enjoy doing what you enjoy doing,
and we could connect them
with my friends
who enjoy doing what I enjoy doing.
Sounds like the cougars need their prey.
Ooh, well said.
We'll be in touch.
Now, ladies,
Lulu will take your orders here.
Grab a clipboard.
Cindy Conrad,
Iet me formally introduce you
to Spence Holmes and Marshall Hogan.
They work for the firm.
Ah. So you know that ass-waxing prick that I'm married to.
( all laugh )
Have you seen Daniela around?
They have something for her.
Oh yeah, I dragged her here. She's inside somewhere.
Mmm, happy birthday to me.
If you want, I could give the papers to Daniela.
That's okay, Teddy. I'll take them.
Oops.
I assume he finally signed my divorce papers?
Yeah, um...
and he-- he also said--
he said he wanted us to say...
well, 'cause he wanted to--
Hello, Marshall Hogan lll.
It's nice to see you again. And may I say
you deserve a future of lasting happiness and peace?
And may I also say you've probably never
Iooked or felt better in your life,
am I right?
- ( laughs ) - Daniela Stack,
this is my best friend, Spencer Holmes.
Hi.
Daniela Darren now.
Nice to meet you.
Hi.
Hogan: Our job is done here,
and we hope to see you again.
I hope so.
Hi.
Stop saying hi.
- Hi. - You're dehydrated.
Bye.
Hi.
I mean,
she just looked right at me and said,
"l hope so."
Oh my God. What am I gonna do?
You know what you're gonna do?
Whatever the fuck you want.
Now, you want to be with this woman, be with this woman.
Be with her and Amanda, who cares? Be with all of 'em.
Yeah, Stack too. Fuck him...
good and hard, right up the ass.
Just fuckin' do what you want.
- I tell you what else you're gonna do. - What?
This Edith thing.
Dude, right now my whole life revolves around Yale Law.
I know, and you're going to Yale Law.
Okay, I have no doubt about that.
But that's, like, the future. I'm talking now,
- and you're doing this Edith thing. - What are you talking about?
Edith!
Edith and the cougars!
What?
Wait, you want us to charge them to have sex with us?
No.
We charge our friends to have sex with them.
- All right. - You see?
Now listen. We start a little country club, okay?
A "Cougar Club," if you will, right?
And we charge membership fees and shit like that.
- Is that legal? - Fuck it-- yes!
I don't know. Who cares?
I care! I have to.
I, uh, no.
- No no no no no, I can't do it. - Oh...
- "Cougar Club." - Oh come, Spence, would you stop
saying no to everything?
Do you not get bored of that? Say "yes."
Yes, 'cause it feels so good.
Yes, because you've never taken a risk in your life, my friend.
Yes, because Daniela Darren said,
"l hope so"!
Yes, because Edith Birnbaum fucking demands it.
"Supply us nice, horny cougars
with nice, horny young prey."
Aw, shit. Why can't I ever say yes to you?
Because sometimes Spencey says "no" when he means "yes."
Thank you, Mom.
Thanks, Mom.
Okay, well... night.
- Spence: Good night. - Hogan: Good night.
Mmm!
"Because sometimes Spencey says 'no' when he means 'yes."'
- That was a fucking omen. - Okay okay, shut up.
For once in your life, would you do something just for you?
Say what you really want to say.
How will it work?
Hogan's voice: We'll target 100 guys to start.
That first group will pay $500 for the first year to join,
and any members after that will pay $1,000.
They'll have direct access of all our cougar-sponsored events.
Now that includes access to profiles, phone numbers-- whole thing.
And on the women's side, Edith will be out in the wild
gathering our hunters, marking them with the gold Cougar Club necklace.
All of our picks will be those who strive to be with
and who embrace the older woman, or the cougar.
And finally, we'll save room for our one "must join."
You tell me when, okay? You tell me when!
You-you tell me when.
Want a whole dance, do ya?
You want a whole d--
ahh! You're looking right at me.
( cabinet squeaking )
Karl? Karl, Karl.
How long has this disaster been going on, man?
- Too long. - Spence: Mmm.
We're concerned, Karl.
Yeah. And we-- we understand your need here.
We do, it's just maybe you and your little plastic friend
would like to bang something other than the files?
Like what?
- Like a woman... - Yeah.
...for God's sakes.
( snickers ) Yeah right.
Not just any woman-- no.
Larry Archibald's woman.
- His mistress? - No, dude, his wife.
We're starting a cougar club
for guys just like you,
and we want you to be a member.
You do?
Yeah.
Now, it's 500 bucks to join,
but it's well worth all the access you're gonna have
not only to Archibald's wife, but all the other wives
and the cougar friends they're gonna bring with them.
Yeah, but $500-- that's--
I mean, God, l...
Okay, you know what? Yes, please.
Yes, I'll-- yeah, all right.
What's a cougar?
- We'll explain later. - Yeah.
Clean yourself up. We'll explain it to you.
Here you go. Congratulations.
Thank you.
Here you go.
All right, man, welcome to the club.
- Oh thanks. - Whoa, you're hot.
All right, welcome to the club.
All right.
Okay, welcome to Cougar Club.
( all cheer )
All right, now, all of your credit cards will be swiped
at every event to ensure that all payments
have been received. If they're not,
you will have the opportunity to make these payments at the event.
Now, for a little taste
of what your new membership's gonna bring you.
Mmm!
( man grunts )
Yeah, this little sweetie's name is lngrid Stone,
subcategory: Ferrari.
She's a divorcée,
working at one of LA's finest financial firms,
and she enjoys the headrush she gets from a vertical 69.
( all chuckle )
( sighs ) So, gentlemen,
Iet the hunt begin.
( all cheer )
( Dolly moaning )
Hogan: Dolly.
- Oh God, oh... - ( Dolly squealing )
- Sorry, Dolly. - Don't fuckin' stop!
Hey, shit turd, meet me in my office.
Shouldn't I clean the bathrooms first?
Stack: You heard me. Get in here!
So why are you working at this firm,
shit turd?
Can you please stop calling me "shit turd"?
Mmm.
Why are you here...
shit turd?
I want real-world experience before I attend law school.
Well, most people go straight to law school. Why didn't you?
Well, I was accepted to Baker and Anderson Lee--
- Never heard of 'em. - Right right.
And what school weren't you accepted to?
Well, that would be Yale, sir.
Now you see? That one I've heard of.
So when I asked you why you were here,
you didn't tell me the truth, did you?
Oh.
The truth is you're here
because you need me to give you a recommendation letter
to guarantee you acceptance into Yale.
You're here because you're too stupid to get in on your own,
and you need me to help do it for you.
Now it seems your dear old dad
is on his hands and knees ready to blow
to make sure his shit turd of a son gets into Yale.
Now what do you think I should tell dear old Dad?
I don't know.
Well, I think you should tell him
that you're my bitch.
And maybe if you do everything I tell you,
your shit-turd ass might wind up in Yale.
Who authorized you to change the locks to my house?
You did. Read the pre-nup, sugar.
You know I still have my things in there, don't you?
Look, if you can't read the pre-nup,
why don't you have your lawyer or some hack read it for you?
Or if you want to make it easy on yourself,
just stay married to me.
I'd rather be dead.
And by the way,
this box of lingerie...
not mine,
you son of a bitch.
( Stack sniffs )
Don't you have a toilet bowl to lick dry?
Yeah. Yup.
- Dolly: Are you okay? - Go. Go.
Go go.
Dolly: What's-- what's going on?
( car alarm beeps )
Hey. Hi.
What you did back there was...
was good. It was really good,
and I just want you to know that...
if you need a place to stay,
you can stay at my house. Let me give you my number.
That's very sweet, but I'm staying with a friend.
Nice to see you again, Spence.
Wait wait wait, um...
Would it be totally inappropriate to invite you to dinner?
I just don't think I'm ready to see anybody right now.
Thanks for asking.
It's nice to be asked.
I just invited her to stay at my parents' house.
Wow. What am I doing?
( grunts )
Archibald just called me.
He's screaming for a foot scrub.
- ( siren wails ) - I told him you'd be right up.
( grunts )
And stay away from the wives!
Present, future, uh... past.
Got it, dick hole?
- Come on, Karl. - Karl: Okay.
- Let's go. - All right.
So good, they don't know shit about Cougar Club.
- No, but we gotta be careful. - ( squeals )
Their antennas are up, all of their antennas are up.
- 'Night, boys. - Good night, my little carnation.
Oh! ( giggles )
Hogan?
Thank you, baby.
Hey.
Is Conrad's wife hot? I don't remember.
Yeah, but she's like 38.
Oh. Little young for me. I'll do her anyway,
that way Karl here can do Archibald's wife,
I'll hit Conrad's, you can hit Stack's.
- Cool. - I'm not hitting Stack's wife.
I don't even know what I'm doing with Stack's wife.
- You can do it. - ( car honks )
Spence: Oh shit.
( pop music playing )
Hi. Did you lose my number?
- No. - Get in.
There you go. See you at home.
( growls )
- Hi. - Hi.
- Ah. This is a nice surprise. - Mm-hmm.
You are the boys, I'm just a girl
We're not the same, we're from different worlds
You think you're smart but you're no fun
How hard is it to fall in love?
Boys...
So, why are you avoiding me?
I'm-- I'm not. I just-- work has been really--
If you have something important to say to me, then just say it.
- ( turns off music ) - Amanda, I don't.
I just-- just wanna go in and go to sleep.
Fine, let's go in and go to sleep.
Can't sleep with you at my parents' house.
That's right.
That's why I think you should move in with me.
Oh, Amanda.
We are ready for that next step, Spencey--
our first apartment. And I'm even willing to cover the rent,
because I know you'll be facing enormous law-school bills
and I know my assistance to you will be paid back to me tenfold
once you're out of law school and we're married!
Wow, Amanda--
It'll be like that movie, "Pay It Forward," with Kevin Spacey.
You'll be Helen Hunt, I'll be Kevin Spacey.
Okay, I didn't see that one. Amanda, look, I think we--
- Spencey, I love you. - I love you too.
( chuckles ) It's just, I'm not--
Shh shh shh shh.
Just think about it.
It's perfect. Okay?
- Kiss. - Okay.
Lip gloss, though.
All right.
( gardener whistling "Battle Hymn of the Republic" )
- ( sighs ) - ( music blaring )
Four-leaf clover. Agh!
Here we go.
You boys sleep tight.
- Thanks, Mom. - Thanks, Mom.
See, you think Amanda's gonna do shit like this for you?
What are you doing?
What? This is avocado and banana.
You use this stuff, you never go bald.
- Really? - Yup.
- It's tingling. - Is it supposed to?
I don't know.
So, what's the deal again with Mrs. Birnbaum?
Okay, now Edith's gonna get a 10% fee
for supplying us with hundreds of hot cougars.
- Totally worth it. - All right.
- Wow. - Did you give her the divorcée files
- from the office? - Yes.
And she's totally set up for success. Now, all we need
is one kick-ass party
to get the word-of-mouth we kind of need to expand here.
And I want to go all the way with this Cougar Club thing.
I'm talking lnternet, magazines, calendars.
I want to go full-on, nationwide organization.
- It's burning! Burning now! - Man, you should really
- just wash that out. - Yes!
- Hoo! - ( shower running )
So, where should our first party be?
Marshall, I just don't know how to thank you for this.
Barnaby's in Manhattan Beach is one of our absolute favorites.
Isn't it, Fred?
Oh no, are you kidding me? Thank you
for letting me show my gratitude to you two.
Oh, isn't that sweet, Fred?
- Okay, come on. - ( stomach growling )
- Hey, what are you guys doing tonight? - Let's go.
Tonight's gonna be a big night actually,
- 'cause we have a meeting of all... - Wow!
- Might have a few people over... - Oh.
...watch some movies, play some games.
- Naked Marco Polo. - That sounds nice.
Well, there are plenty of sodas in the fridge.
- Awesome. - Have a good time.
Thanks, Mom.
Come on, honey.
Do you have any idea how much hot cougar ass is gonna be here tonight?
Completely out of control.
All three of the bosses' wives are gonna be represented.
- ( sighs ) - ( car engine turns over )
- Wow. - Operation Bosses'-wife-Fuck
is definitely a go.
Bye-bye!
- Okay, calm down. - Yeah, okay.
- Seriously, calm down. - Man: Roll, bitches!
One two three four
( rock music playing )
Loaded cougar motherfuckers!
Comin' atcha...
Teddy Archibald.
Hey, you look ravishing tonight.
- Doesn't she, guys? - Well, thank you, Hogan.
Oh, you're so welcome.
Who's your little friend?
Teddy Archibald, I'd like you to meet Karl Dessler.
Hello, Karl.
Hi... ah!
( laughs ) Hey!
I'm not sure she's even a woman.
Uh, I'm not sure he'll even notice.
Mm, you're right.
( woman laughing )
Whoo!
Cindy Conrad is here.
Oh.
- I remember now, Trans Am. - Uh-huh.
Hogan: Let's go get reacquainted.
Holy shit, she's here. I can't--
Spence, no. Hey, come on.
Don't puss out now.
Oh, Cindy Conrad.
Wow.
- Marshall Hogan. - Hi.
- It's so good to see you again. - Yeah.
Wanna fuck?
( gasps )
Okay.
( both giggling )
- Hi, Spence. - Hi.
Can l, uh, get you a drink or...
anything? Yeah.
Do you mind if l...?
Thanks.
So...
how's it going?
Never better. He's dating someone he thinks he could marry,
so I'm hearing less from him, which is great.
Can I ask you something?
"Why did I marry him in the first place?"
No no no, I didn't mean to pry, it's just that...
you are too beautiful and smart
and nice to be married to a guy like him.
I won't miss the way you're looking at me right now.
Everyone looks at me that way, even when they hear he's my husband.
- I feel bad for you. - Well don't,
because I kinda hate that.
I'm not a victim. I left.
Look, Cindy dragged me here tonight,
but it's really not my scene.
I'm not into a meaningless relationship
with some guy who wasn't even born before disco.
Excuse me.
Wait.
Peek-a-boo.
- Trans... - Mmm!
...am. ( giggles )
Uh-oh.
- Watcha doin' down there? - Hide...
and seek.
( sings ) What is she doing?
- She's in there. - ( both laugh )
Uh-oh! Can l...
Ow!
Ah!
( Karl pants, yelps )
Sorry about the bed.
The... king size is on back order,
so...
Do you and Hogan share a room?
What?
No. No no no no.
Nope.
- Mm. - Mm.
( Karl moaning )
( Cindy laughing )
Mm-- ow.
How do you feel...
about feet?
Ow.
Mm, oh!
Oh, just...
- it's so hard, just need a minute. - Okay okay.
( Cindy moaning )
( Cindy panting )
Shh shh.
Okay.
- No more "shush." - I'm ready.
I know, I can feel it.
- Ooh! - Mm.
- So young. - Yeah, so young.
So young.
( Teddy moaning )
Oh yeah!
Take your time!
You know that if you smack my ass, it doesn't move.
Yeah. Go ahead.
Smack it.
Punch it if you want to. Go ahead.
Smack it! Smack it!
- Okay? - Whoo! Ha ha ha!
Wah!
Mommy.
Drop your panties to the floor
- Come on... - Wanna do it again?
Drop your panties...
Yep.
Drop your panties to the floor
To the floor, to the floor
Drop your panties
- Drop your panties... - ( horn honks )
Holy shit.
It's my parents.
Spencer, you're a 22-year-old man. You're allowed to have sex.
No no, it's not-- it's not the sex part.
It's the-- the party part.
Holy shit, it's Barry.
- What? - Barry, my ex-husband.
Your boss!
Fuck! Don't move.
Stay here until I get back.
- Nice place. - Oh, thanks.
Mom and Dad are home, and they're with Barry Stack.
- Fuck! - Fuck!
Go outside, make sure everyone stays out of the fuckin' house.
Yeah. Go go go go.
- Go go go go go go! - Come on!
( mutters )
( woman moaning )
Oh, come on. Are you kidding me?
Take it outside!
Fred: Okay, here we... come on.
Here we are.
Mom, Dad! Mr. Stack!
Wow, what a surprise. Well, this is great.
Look who we ran into at Barnaby's, huh?
He was at a wedding reception in the outside garden.
- Oh, it was stunning. - Oh, I see, I see.
I thought-- I thought you and Mom were gonna spend the night, but...?
- Well... - Oh, your dad had a touch of diarrhea.
So let's-- let's just go sit in the living room.
Uh, the living room, Mom, that's a great idea.
No no, nonsense, nonsense. The living room's for Yale-bred.
Men talk in the den.
- Hmm? - Mmm.
Ah! Now we're talking, huh?
Oh-- whoa!
Fred: Watch your step there.
- Mom: Okay now, Fred, - Yeah?
I'm gonna go get you your little orange miracle-worker.
Anybody for coffee or bundt cake?
- Fantastic. - You know what, Mom?
Why don't you stay here and I'll go get the coffee...
Oh honey, no, you sit.
Honey, Dad and Mr. Stack are gonna talk
about your recommendation letter to Yale.
- You stay. - It would be inappropriate
for me to try to influence Mr. Stack directly.
Fred: No no no, sit sit sit.
Excuse me.
He's an... impetuous kid, you know?
- Mo-- Mom! - Oh honey! Didn't know you were here.
Sweetheart, would you look in the fridge and get that bundt cake?
Sure, absolutely.
- Oh, and a can of whipped cream. - Uh...
- I don't see it. - Really, I know I bought some.
- ( can spraying ) - Oh good, you found it.
I knew I bought that.
- ( spraying ) - Honey, is that your tummy?
Yeah yeah, I think I have a touch of what Dad has.
Oh, sweetheart, is there burning in your anus?
Yep yep, just a little bit.
Well, maybe you need one of Dad's little orange pills.
Yeah, you know what? I'm just gonna let it pass.
- You sure? - Yes.
- That's a good idea. - Well, all right.
You know where they are. Come on, sweetheart,
follow me with that bundt cake. Let's go.
Yeah, we don't want to keep them waiting.
I know.
( whispering ) Get the fuck out of here!
- Gesundheit. - Thank you.
( music playing )
- Here we go. - Ah, here.
- ( laughs ) - All right.
Yeah, beautiful beautiful.
- ( water splashes outside ) - Oh.
Wow. Hogan's got a hell of a Marco Polo game going on.
Marco Polo-- it's still popular, isn't it?
You sit-- you sit there, honey.
So Barry was telling me there that...
you are quite the ambitious, hard-working employee.
And you've got quite the aptitude for the law.
- That-- that's great, Spence. - Yeah.
- Here you go, Barry. - Thanks, Mr. Stack.
- Yeah. - ( belches )
- Oh. - ( stomach growling )
Oh, that sounds like it's really deep in your cavity, honey.
- Just give me the pill, honey. - Ooh.
( music playing )
- ( whispering ) What are you doing? - I'm in Cougar Club.
Right, and rule number one of Cougar Club
is you don't fucking talk about Cougar Club!
Now take her back to your place.
All the beauty in the world
All the beauty in the world...
- ( all laughing ) - I'm so glad that we...
- Hi! - Amanda.
- Where were you? - What are you doing here?
- What? - We were supposed to go
on the horseback ride from Beachwood Canyon to Glendale.
How could you forget that?
- It was sunset. - Oh.
Yeah, I'm sorry. I had a meeting here
with my boss. Mr. Stack, this is my girlfriend, Amanda.
Yeah, except you didn't know I was gonna be here tonight.
How very nice to meet you, Amanda.
I'm Barry Stack.
Is this true, Spencey?
It's, um-- what was the question?
Well, obviously you didn't invite me to your party.
I mean, apparently I'm just a little too young.
All the women out there are really old.
Why are you partying with a bunch of 50-year-olds?
Are you into old ladies, Spencey?
What? No.
I-- I don't know what she's talking about.
I-l-l-l-I I don't know-- I don't know how to thank you enough, Barry,
for this letter of recommendation. It just means the world to us.
No thanks necessary, Fred.
Anyway, after all is said and done,
I think Spencey's gonna earn that letter.
Of course-- of course-- of course he is. Of course, of course.
Let's go. Let's...
Oh.
Good night, Spence.
- Spence, what's going on? - It's not--
Isn't she a little old for Marco Polo?
Daniela, wait!
Spence? Spence!
I had no idea he would be here, I swear.
Don't go.
Spence, I'm sorry. You're a really nice guy,
but I don't want anything here, okay?
- Come on, can't we just talk about it? - Good night, Spence.
What the--?
You're not over him yet, are you?
Spence?
Are you having a relationship with this old lady?
Oh my Go-- you know, I would expect this from Hogan, okay?
He's-- he's sick! But you?
Amanda, not now, just go home.
- Daniela, wait! - ( gasps )
You're a fucker, Spence!
Good morning, guys. Your applicants are here.
( whispering ) What?
They're not supposed to come here.
Thank you very much, sweetheart.
I think we can take it from here. Gentlemen?
So, tell us why
you want to be members of Cougar Club.
Well, it's like-- I've been fantasizing
about my mom's friends for a long time.
- So has he. - Mm-hmm.
Right. Welcome.
- Yeah, okay. - Thanks.
- Congratulations. - Why don't you guys read these over?
A couple times. Get the hell out of here.
That's 345 and 346. We've more than tripled our membership.
It's just like you said.
- La-la-la! - You know I don't like that.
- What? - This, gross.
So I look at the question and the answer just seems to pop into my head.
And I've been here so many times before,
- and I go blank, so-- - Oh! Okay okay.
( clears throat ) Is it a foot?
Mm-hmm.
Oh hell no.
No, try it, it's good.
Have you tried the toenail? It's a secret ingredient.
What the...? What is this?
Guys, I passed the bar.
- No, you didn't! - I did.
Way to go, man.
( grunts )
I couldn't have done it without you guys.
- Oh. - Cougar Club--
I swear-- changed my life.
- That's sweet, man. - lsn't he sweet?
- It's true. - Oh.
Hey, okay.
Okay, all right, Karl.
( laughs )
Have some celebratory cake.
Well well well. Congratulations, butt-licker.
Thanks, Mr. Archibald.
( grunts )
And your wife. Thank her for me too.
Stack: Attention shit turd
and shit-turd's friend.
Put down the fucking snacks and get in here.
Oh, and a special congratulations to douche bag.
I never thought you'd pass.
He knew my name.
( door opens, closes )
Assignment time.
I need you shit turds to go to L Oberman's house with a camera.
His address is in the folder.
I have knowledge he does hookers by the pool
on Wednesdays at 3:00.
Take pictures and bring them back to me.
Go!
You are aware, sir--
Are you speaking to me?
- It's not what-- - ( speaks gibberish )
Spence?
By the way, I was wondering if you were able
to finish my letter of recommendation?
Not yet, shit turd.
Do you know when you might be able to finish it? Because I really--
You'll know when you're fucking looking at it!
Okay! Yeah.
We will know that when we're looking at it.
We look forward to that.
( whispers ) Don't kill the asshole yet.
( door opens, closes )
Look what I found in shit-turd friend's backpack.
"Cougar Club"?
Hmm.
I think our wives are involved in this.
( girls hooting, splashing )
( camera clicking )
I can't believe she's still in love with that fucking guy.
Why won't she call me back?
Conrad's wife won't stop calling me.
It's like, "Dude,
Ieave me the fuck alone."
( camera clicking )
Your mind should be dug out and studied, man.
Why?
I know what I like.
Oh, ladies, I gotta go pull on my bow.
Spence: What is that?
That, my friend, is a gold lamé banana hammock.
No.
No, that's a bow and arrow.
Gardener: Ay, caramba.
Oh shit.
- ( boys grunting ) - Who the fuck?
( groaning )
Oh, sorry, shit turds.
I heard you got banged up a little,
but the firm really appreciates you going that extra mile.
And hey, I'll write that letter of recommendation
real soon.
- Everyone's paid up. - Okay.
- Cool cool cool. - Thanks for checking, Karl.
- You all right? - Yeah. Ahem.
Hello, Cougar Club.
( cheering )
All right, nice to see you guys showed up here today.
Let's talk about it.
How great was pool party?
( cheering )
How about Film-Your-Own- Threesome Thursdays?
I'm gonna take it down a notch here
because some of you are a little skittish about this one--
you're regretting it now-- a little something called
"Midnight Graveyard Cougar Hunt."
Oh yeah!
All right, all right. So now, as all of you know,
September 19th
is our big Cougar Club extravaganza
in Beverly Hills.
That's right. Okay, guys,
so it just comes down to this-- simple.
Don't be pussies, take care of your cougars,
'cause they take care of you.
( all chanting ) Cougar cougar cougar...
( girl hooting )
Hello, BMW.
Nice. A Lexus.
Ah. Miss Cadillac. Very nice.
Ooh. ( growls ) Jaguar.
- Spence: Oh yeah. - Hogan: Come over and sort you out.
( growls )
Oh shit, it's the Trans Am. Hide me.
Hey, Hogan.
Still ain't moving, baby. Yeow!
Look at that.
- Hey. - You know it, I'll show it.
Whoo!
- Welcome. - Guess Daniela didn't come with her.
Okay, Cameron, pay up.
ATM's inside. Here you go.
Tried to run one by Karl? Not gonna happen, pal.
He's got eyes like a hawk.
Look at her. Here she comes, there she goes.
( hip-hop music playing )
Hey!
Karl. Karl. Did you-- you swipe this guy in?
Ooh!
No, l-- no, I don't know how he got in here.
- No. - Cougar crasher.
( making lewd noises )
Well, look at you, baby. Hey.
Um, can I see your Cougar card?
Cougar card?
I'm gonna have to pull him away for a sec, will you excuse us?
Sure.
This is a private party, and I'm really sorry, members only.
- You're gonna have to go. - Come on, man.
That girl, she wants me. I can get with her in like five minutes.
Well, unfortunately, only members get that chance.
Members only.
Well, what do I got to do to become a member?
Well, I mean, there's a whole extensive screening process.
My partner and l have to interview you...
And then if they approve,
- then you pay a fee of like-- - $3,000 to join,
and then there is individual fees for each event.
Great, I've interviewed.
I just won like, five grad cash at one of the lndian casinos.
I'll slide that your way, and then I'll be a member.
Okay.
- $5,000? - Come here. Come here!
- Okay. Okay. - Okay.
Let's-- just hold on just a second, Cindy.
Hold.
Meet my partner, we'll finish this transaction, all right?
- All right. - Right this way.
- After you, sir. Please, after you. - That's fine.
Attaboy.
What the hell are you doing over here, man?
- I can't fuckin' believe it. - What?
Spence: She's here with him.
Oh damn.
I'm so sorry, man.
Look, just real quick, I got something I got to ask you.
- Now? - Yeah, just two seconds.
There's this guy here and he's willing to pay five grand tonight
to join Cougar Club. What do you think?
Spence, what do you think?
- It's-- it's fine. - Yeah?
- Yeah. - Okay, cool.
Damn, so sorry.
- Okay. - Yes, sir.
- Now look, my friend is busy here. - Okay.
Okay? But he's gonna give you a shot...
- Oh. -...on this, all right?
- One shot. - Wow.
So-- so basically I give you this...
5,000 bucks and I get to go nail that hottie?
You are a charmer. Yeah, you get to nail that cougar.
- Cougar. Eh... - Cougar.
Cougar.
Nice.
It's there.
- Welcome to Cougar Club. - All right.
Welcome to Cougar Club, man.
- Ow! - Hey, what are you--
- What the hell? - I'm Detective John Butler.
You're both under arrest for pandering.
- What? - Beat it, douche bag.
Oh my... God, he knew my name!
Butler: You both have the right to remain silent.
- Anything you say... - Policeman: Turn around.
...can and will be used against you.
- Blah blah blah blah blah... - No way, not the shit turds.
Officer, these boys work for me. Why are they being arrested?
- Butler: Pandering. - ( Stack gasps )
Wow, you think you know people.
You hear that, honey? Pandering!
Should I put that in your recommendation letter, Spencey?
Whoo!
Here's your car, boys!
Amanda said if I kept associating with you,
it would eventually destroy me, and she was right.
Oh, so, this is all my fault?
I did all this by myself?
'Cause you were there. You said, "Fine."
I wasn't even looking at you when I said it.
Obviously, I had other things on my mind.
Do you not see how much I lose in this thing?
Is that not perfectly clear to you?
Yale? Totally fucked. My job? Fucked.
Oh, what, I didn't lose my job?
- ( laughs ) - No, I didn't lose my job?
Don't even pretend that meant anything to you,
because you don't have to care about anything, Hogan.
You have no responsibilities, no obligations,
no one breathing down your fucking neck every day of your life
demanding you do something acceptable so their friends
won't think badly of them when they're asked about you.
You don't even live in your own house.
- You know what your problem is? - What?
You're a fucking pussy, Spence. Yeah.
You let people breathe down your neck and tell you what you should feel
and what you should be and what you should do with your life.
My advice: Grow up, and be a man.
All right, you know what? I'm done.
Uh, hey...
You know, I've always, I've always wondered
what it would be like to have my dick in a man.
( laughs )
( siren wails )
I can explain.
Just get in.
Come on, let's go.
You, stay.
Man on TV: So goodbye, Susie. Goodbye.
- Jack. - Goodbye.
Jack, please.
Jack! Don't do this.
All right, Will, what do you have for me?
Will: Next, State of California versus Holmes
and Hogan lll.
Representing ourselves, are we?
Uh-huh.
You're late, counsel.
Yes. Yes, uh...
How do your clients plead?
I think I have that.
Uh, just--
- Not guilty, dude. - Not guilty.
Not guilty, dude.
Very well.
Your court date will be set for...
three weeks from today...
dude.
- ( bangs gavel ) - Next.
Hey-- hey, don't worry.
I've done all the research.
I think I can convince the judge to drop the charges.
See?
Karl, your shoes don't match.
Oh, fuck!
I hope the judge didn't notice.
Oh shit. I've gotta get back to work.
Archibald's gonna be on my ass.
Uh, bye. I'll see you later, Hogan.
Ah! Ha-ha! Hee-hee!
Think he was a wise choice for an attorney?
- He's a free choice. - Yeah.
See, it won't close. That's the problem.
- So how are you? - Good.
Yeah, I'm moving in with Amanda this weekend.
- Really? - Yeah.
She's been really supportive.
- Wow. - Yeah.
- Is that really what you want? - I don't know, Hogan.
I need to go to law school and get something going with my life.
- Yeah, well-- - Yeah.
Bye, Hogan.
( cheering on TV )
Hey, Karl.
Hey.
Another one of those in the freezer?
Yeah, the Salisbury steak, it's all yours.
Nice distance.
So did the three-headed monster give you any shit about taking a long lunch?
- ( beeps ) - Karl: No.
There was other stuff going on.
What other stuff?
What, they know-- they know you're a member?
- No. - What?
No way. They know about you and Archibald's wife?
No, they know about you and Conrad's wife.
- Shut up. - Yeah.
Yeah, I heard him say he's gonna divorce her,
and then he spent the rest of the day trying to find out
if you owned a car.
And when he found out you didn't,
he said it was a good thing, 'cause if you did, he'd find it,
plant a bomb in it, and quote,
"blow you beyond dental records."
He said that?
- Uh-huh. - ( laughs )
Well, that's a fucking bona fide terrorist threat,
punishable by like, 25 years.
I don't know. I could look it up. I don't know.
Think you could get him to say it again?
I don't know.
No, I know you don't know, but if I sent you in there with a body wire,
you could provoke him into repeating it, couldn't you, Karl?
Oh God. I don't know. I mean--
you know what? Okay, I want to, but l--
Karl, don't help me, okay?
Fuck me, this is about the club.
Where would you be without the club, Karl? I'll tell you where you'd be:
You're be fucking files Q through R.
Don't go back there.
The paper cuts haven't even healed yet, have they?
No. Come on.
From the top rope, baby. Top ropes.
Yes!
- ( knocks on door ) - Stack: Come in!
Uh, hello, Mr. Stack.
- Mr. Conrad, Mr. Archibald. - ( curtain remote beeping )
What do you want, douche bag?
May l...
you know...
How do you-- how do you do this? I don't know.
- Ah-- oh! - ( door closes )
All right, there we go.
Hmm, um... I just couldn't help but hear
your conversation yesterday about
Marshall Hogan and how he,
you know, did stuff with your wife.
What did you say about my wife? You don't understand!
- ( squealing ) - Huh? I will rip your dick off
and shove it up your ass! You hear me, you scrawny little bastard?
No, I'm on your side.
Let's hear what the butt-licker has to say.
( feedback )
- Speak, Karl. - Okay.
Well... I saw him this morning.
So I couldn't help but notice that he had--
he was driving this '91 convertible Camaro
that was red. And so I said, you know, "Hey, nice car."
And he said, you know, "Hell-- uh, thank you.
Yeah, it's brand new, I just got it today."
So, on impulse, I then took out my work pen--
which I brought back--
and I wrote down his license plate number
while he was driving away, because you said
that if he owned a car, you would--
oh darn, what was it?
What-- what did you say? I ca-- I can't remember.
I said I'd put a bomb in it and blow him up beyond dental records.
Get to the fuckin' point, Karl!
I just thought you should know that he owns a car now.
And that...
this is his...
Iicense plate number and current address.
How nice of you, butt-licker.
- Way to look out for the team. - Oh.
Oh, thank you, Mr. Stack.
- Yes. - Hey, shit turd?
Why so forthcoming?
Uh-oh. Uh, well,
you know, my mom, she used to cheat on my father
- constantly. - Fucking slut.
No, she-- okay, all right, yeah.
She-- and I want, uh...
I don't want anyone to have to suffer that kind of indignity,
be it you, Mr. Stack, or Mr. Conrad, or for that matter,
Mr. Archibald. So... ah!
Ah! Ow, oh!
Conrad: Go fuck yourself, Karl!
Thank you.
That's lunch.
All-you-can-eat sushi, strip bar.
In.
Thanks for letting us use your car.
I promise, bomb squad'll reverse anything before it explodes.
Oh, that's okay, baby.
I'm just glad I could be of some help.
That's my Gladys.
It's good to see you.
You too, Marshall.
Now, no bombs have been promised here, okay?
I just delivered the information.
There's no guarantee they're gonna use it at all.
I mean, the whole threat can be a threat, and--
- holy shit! - ( tires screech )
Fuck! They're here.
They're here. Fuck fuck!
Look at this, fuck! Oh my fucking God.
My God. Oh my...
Look at that fucking-- look.
- Holy shit. - Stack: Go go go.
Karl: Oh my God. I am gonna shit my pants.
Oh!
No, Lord! They meant it! They actually meant it!
( Hogan whispers ) Shh! Of course they meant it.
You ever see what happens to people in the divorce who aren't their clients?
- Now calm your shit down. - Gladys: There are two of them.
No no no, I think that one's a monkey or something.
You think it's Mr. Stack and Mr. Conrad?
- They might have hired people. - Circus people.
Yeah.
Oh, they're highly organized.
( sirens wailing )
( guns cocking )
Freeze, you little freak!
- ( all sigh ) - They got 'em.
- You're going down! - ( laughing )
I swear to God I'll blow your brains out!
( Dolly mumbles )
Ah!
Hey, don't move there!
I had no-- l-- I didn't call them.
Oh yeah, that's the baby.
- Don't do it! - Down down down down down!
Gun down! Right now!
- ( tears ) - Shit!
Mommy.
- Down down down down down! - Ah!
Down down down down down!
Amanda: Spencey, will you get that?
I'm on the phone with the wedding planner.
Hold on a second, Rita. Spence?
I thought he didn't have our address.
- Please, just-- - I want him gone.
- Okay. - I mean it!
- Okay! - Sorry. Mom gave me the address.
I... figured she would.
Hi.
Thanks. Oh.
- Really? - Yeah.
She's thrilled. It's really--
it's a dream come true.
- Well, congratulations, Spence. - Thanks.
Red roses? No no, nobody said anything about red roses.
I want perfect white calla lilies.
Write it down!
- And I'm going to law school. - Really? That's great.
Yeah, Baker accepted me a while ago, so I'm gonna go.
I mean, it's not Yale,
but hey, my dad understands
- and Amanda's all for it. - Yeah.
Well, I'll get out of you two lovebirds' hair in just a minute,
but l-- I just wanted to see your face
when I showed you this.
( whispers ) No way.
And get--
get this-- they searched Conrad's desk.
They found one of our Cougar Club folders.
Those bastards knew about our extravaganza all along.
The whole thing was a setup.
Oh my gosh. What does Karl say?
Well, in light of what's happened,
he's arranged a little meeting with Judge Emerson
to review our case. And he wants to talk with us right now.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Hey, I'll call you back.
Hi. Hey.
- Hey. - Where the hell are you going?
I... just gotta go meet my lawyer.
With him?
- Well, yeah. - l...
Spence, I thought we talked about this.
If you want to be married to me, then no more Hogan--
permanently!
( mutters ) Fuck you, bitch.
( chuckling )
- Oh. - ( Amanda chuckles )
Mwah!
I'm sorry, Amanda.
I mean, l-- I never even asked you to marry me.
Here.
Wait.
But wait, Spence, but-- you complete me!
- God, I almost did that, didn't l? - Yeah.
Shake it off, brother. The bullet to the forehead's been dodged.
Spence! Come back! Ahh!
So what's the deal with this judge?
Margaret Emerson. You saw her at the plea hearing.
She's a nasty one, real ball-breaker type.
But when she heard about the recent arrest at the law firm,
the almost-certain setup at the hotel,
she seemed intrigued.
- Oh. - ( stomach growling )
Oh shit.
Excuse me, I've gotta--
um, you know what? If she comes in,
just tell her I'll be right back, okay?
- ( Karl farting ) - Karl, man.
That's coming from your anal cavity.
Just take an orange pill, it's in the briefcase.
No, that's okay. It's gonna be the last time.
Spencer Holmes and Marshall Hogan lll.
- Yes, ma'am. - Yes, ma'am.
Sit down.
So...
I'm supposed to believe that you two punks
started a club
so you could hook up with old broads like me.
Well, are there really any other broads to hook up with?
( both chuckle )
Your Honor? May I call you Margaret?
Margaret, I'm looking at you right now
and all I want to do
is just jump over this table
and go to town. I mean, you are a goddess,
and I'm sorry if I'm, like, overstepping the bounds
of polite society here,
but I would make love to you all day and all night,
until you screamed with an unbearable ecstasy
- like you've never felt before. - And we, we--
we want to be very clear. In no way did we ever
exchange money for sex in our organization.
We charged membership fees. No different than, uh, meetmart.net
or Christdate.net for that matter.
It's just that our target was a little more specific,
- one could say. - Margaret,
I'm gonna venture a guess here.
If I were to come around this table and gently caress
the back of your neck with my tongue...
a slight chill would run down your spine?
Might.
Wow. Ma'am, this is no pimp operation.
- No ma'am, no ma'am. - We assure you, it's--
No ma'am, we're bona fide businessmen with a goal to expand our website
which-- yes, we have a website now.
Eventually we plan to have a magazine
and then we'll tour around the country,
branching out to all the major metropolitan areas,
all so that we can become acquainted
with women such as yourself.
So sublime, so lush,
- seasoned, exquisite. - Really?
Yeah.
What about your partner? Does he feel the same way?
This guy?
This guy. Oh my God. And then some.
Yeah. Ha.
Prove it.
What-- oh.
Woman: You drink whiskey
But I drink wine
You wear the watch, but I keep the time
You're so delicious
But I'm tasty, yeah
You may be fine
- ( moaning ) - But I'm sexy, baby
You may be fine, but I'm sexy
You may be cute, but I'm sexy
You may be pretty, but I'm sexy
But I'm sexy, but I'm...
You may be fine, but I'm sexy
You may be cute...
Hogan: Congratulations, Karl.
A few more cases, you can actually get a car from the 21st century.
Yeah! And a new bike.
- Stop the car, stop the car. - What?
- Why? Why? - Hmm?
- Oh. - Mm-hmm.
- I'm not gonna waste gas. - Just give me one second.
- Karl: Okay. - Hogan: Let us dream.
Hey.
I'm sorry that I haven't returned your phone calls.
I-- I've just been swamped
with getting my real estate license.
It's great to see you. I didn't know if I ever would again.
I'm glad you're okay.
Yeah yeah.
We're having a party Saturday night, if you're interested.
It's at 8:00. I'd love to see you.
Yeah.
Sounds good.
Good.
Maybe.
Okay, bye.
( woman vocalizing )
Let's go...
All: Whoa!
Here we go, here we go.
- Whoa. - Nice nice.
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. Ho.
To Stack, Conrad and Archibald.
- ( hoots ) - Cheers!
Bastards.
- To Cougar Club! - Cheers!
- Oh! - Whoo!
- Cougar Club! - Damn it, Karl.
I'm feeling it. Mmm!
Take a look around.
This is what can happen when you dare to say yes.
Couldn't have done it without you.
True, man. There's so many ways to say yes.
Yeah, uh-huh, yep,
all right, okay, sure.
It's not even like foreign languages.
Hey, Karl. Drink up.
Thanks, buddy.
I can't believe it. She's here.
- Go go go. - I'll be right back.
Let's go, let's go dancing
Let's go running...
I am so happy that you're here.
I wouldn't have missed it.
Let's go dancing
- Let's go running - ( Marshall cackling )
Let's go
- Whoa! - Cougar Club!
( all cheer )
Oh my boys, I'm so proud of both of you.
This is what you've worked so hard for,
and I know it's what you've always wanted.
- Oh. - Oh, thanks, Mom.
- Thanks, Mom. - Good luck, boys.
Eh, now you're men.
Go and be wise.
- Yeah. - Thanks, Dad.
- ( stomach growls ) - ( burps, grunts )
Not again. Honey, where are the orange pills?
- Uh, kitchen. - Sorry.
Fred: Go sow your seed!
- Thanks, Dad. - All right.
- Cookies. - Oh.
Mom, just how I like 'em.
( all sigh )
All right.
Bye, Mom.
Bye.
( Karl hollers, indistinct )
Yeah!
Teddy: She's ready to roll, boys.
- Mom: I love you boys! - Later, Mom.
Bye!
Be careful!
Liberate me
- Liberate me... - Mm-hmm!
Liberate me, liberate me...
Hogan: Bye, Mom!
Around the sun
On the run
Nothing can stop me...
Gardener: Adios, amigos!
From having my fun
Liberate me
Liberate me, liberate me
Liberate me
Liberate me, liberate me.
Mom and Dad are home and they're with Barry Stack.
- Fuck! - Fuck!
Fuck!
( rock music playing )
Ah!
Ooh.
- Uh... - Sorry!
Liberate me, liberate me
Around the sun
On the run
Nothing can stop me
From having my fun
Liberate me, liberate me
Liberate me, liberate me.
( big band music playing )
Ah!
Mmm. Nuh-uh.
( laughs )
( sighs )
( glass shatters )